The Foul Mouthed One In the Corner Said It….

            I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me, the way I talk to myself! I wouldn’t even want to be around someone that had this kind of toxicity in their head. The toxic words that I could spew would be enough to keep anyone away. I think its way past negative self-talk, more like a huge voice screaming in my ear what a complete FUCK UP I can be. Self-talk, yes most defiantly the problem is telling the difference between logical vs illogical self-talk. It can be a blurred line for me at times.

At times I can have full conversations in my head. My ex-boyfriend use to find the “looks on my face” during these internal conversations, and crack up. “If I only knew what was going on in that brain of yours” he would say.  He really didn’t want to know…not really.

The voice can be persistent, constant, angry, and extremely loud… personally that’s my illogical, side taking over. I’m crud, foul mouthed, and tell myself I’m worthless. All this in one tiny brain… damn it can be exhausting. “How much of this is real?” I think when I get a moment of clarity? Now these moments of clarity don’t always come. When they do I’m pretty good at identifying the difference. The foul mouthed one in the corner of my brain is the one to blame.

            Now let’s look at the positive self-talking voice. The soothing one that comes after the storm. I like that soothing voice that is logical, and helps me think straight. Positive self-talk is always there, just often not a loud as its counterpart. My self-talk brings me moments of peacefulness in my brain that is full of ciaos. I listen to this side,.....to this “self-talk” if you will. I remember tripping on acid a million and one times searching for clarity, and that soothing voice. Somehow, someway I felt at peace on these “trips” a tranquil moment I could have during my otherwise chaotic life I was living at the time. Somehow some way yes with LOT’S of therapy the good side of self-talk came out.

I’ve learned that that little tiny soothing voice can really be more powerful than the loud negative person who also lives in my brain. So with a lot of talk-therapy I learned to tune into that soothing voice. The one that use to be the quiet one is most defiantly is louder than the negative self-talk. It’s not easy, hell I use to use acid just to gain a clear mind! Not anymore! A lot of time and work went into strengthen that positive voice. One of my many therapists asked me on my first visit. “So, what are you here for?” Instead of spilling out my one hundred and one problems, I came to the root. Self-talk. I’m my own worst critic, and I had to relearn how to think.

Looking back at my childhood its evident where the self-talk started as a child. Constantly being berating as a child is what formed that loud, angry person in my head! With a lot of work that voice has ALMOST been silenced! When I get in very stressful situations I can revert to the past, believe me I try not to. I try to smother other that loud voice no matter how loud it tries to get. I am no longer a child to be berated by myself or others. When the foul mouthed one comes into play, I use a simple techniques to strengthen that positive person in my head! Deep breathing is my best friend, a few good deep breaths settle my mind and allow me to come back to reality! Find your peaceful place people, and don’t listen to the menace in your head!  ~Mental Mari