I think all mentally ill
worry about passing down their mental illness to their child (ren). All that
you’ve been through, the psychiatrist appointments, therapy, the blood draws,
and my favorite side effects. I do believe there is a higher power out there
that I communicate with. I spent countless hours thinking, begging, and praying
that my mental illness wouldn’t plague my daughter. Please, don’t let her
suffer I prayed from the time I got pregnant….until things started going
haywire years later. The answer to my request was denied. My daughter was
handed a loaded gun, not literally, but mental illness runs throughout both my
side, and her biological father’s side. It was almost like it was
predetermined.
I’ve
been through a lot in my life, I’ve suffered from Bipolar for the better part
of my life. My child was not spared this ill fate of having mental illness. Now
I am not saying mental illness will always cripple you. I know a lot of very
productive people leading productive lives while fighting mental illness.
However it’s always there, always lurking in the background waiting to rear its
ugly head. This is what I tell my daughter, you have to fight it, you have to
be strong, use the tools you’ve learned, and take your medicine. Something that
can be foreign to a teenager, even one not battling mental illness.
She
started showing signs of mental illness in 7th grade, “no way” I
thought. She’s too young, I’ve never abused her, she has friends, and after
school activities. She’s was making straight A’s with a couple B’s here and
there, but I could see her falling apart in front of me. NO! Not my child,
please spare her Id beg in my head as I picked her up early on a daily occurrence.
She missed so much school that year it became obvious to me we had to be
proactive to beat whatever was plaguing her. What do you do when you’re seeing
signs of your child going through mental illness? You make that appointment and
let the professionals point you in the right direction.
Panic
& Anxiety Disorder was her first official title. Her first “label” to wear.
We barely made it through then next two years. We did talk therapy for a year,
this is where she gained the “tools” she needed to “get through a day”. However
when it escalates to what we call Level 10, tools go right out the window, and she’s
sucked into that alternative universe where she can’t breathe, she’s crying hysterically,
mumbling things that make no sense, shaking, and eventually exhausted. Panic
attacks can last for minutes if caught and “tools”, such as deep breathing, and
awareness can help make it less severe. Unfortunately she was having these
attacks at school, and all I knew was I had to get to her. Speeding down the
side streets, and running into the school, sometimes they had passed, other
times shed fall to pieces as I grab and hold her tight. Exhausted we head home
where shed collapse in the bed. Mental illness can be completely exhausting.
Entering
high school all I could do was hold my breath. I knew it was going to be an
extreme change, and I honestly didn’t know if she could handle a school so big.
I considered homeschooling, but working with her psychologist we submitted
accommodations to the school. All were granted, and there was a better plan in
the works, designed to get her through her day. The next two years were easier
for her to escape for her. She soon became resistant to therapy, and refused to
go. Sitting there in silence with her psychologist watching the clock tick
down. Talk about frustrating. Talk about not knowing what to do as a parent.
Should I home school her, should I let her fight it out? She was miserable, and
there I was picking her up early day after day. We did this for the next two
years. My daughter and I developed a code, a rating scale for her panic and
anxiety. Level 3 was uncomfortable, level 5 was it’s coming, get me out of here,
all the way up to level 10. She began hitting level 10 often. More often than
I’d ever admit out loud. She was out of control, exhausted, and confused as to
why she had these panic attacks. It was getting worse, day after day level 10
plagued her.
She
refused talk therapy, even trying a new psychologist. Where are my options? I
felt like I was in the trenches with her, and we were going to fight this
together! The only logical next move was find a good doctor, and get evaluated.
The wait for adolescent psychiatry was 6-8 months in our area. Our PCM started
her on something to curve her panic, and said it was obvious she needed
antidepressants. She was overly emotional, head down, no eye contact, her
mannerisms were screaming help me! The antidepressants were obviously needed,
great another label for her to wear.
Currently
we are not there yet! She is not “fixed” all these years later. There is no
“fixing” as my blog will tell you, but there are ways to cope in order to make
life bearable. Identify your triggers, my daughters for instance doesn’t do
well with noisy places, and rambunctious classrooms. She eventually gave in and
has gone back to talk therapy, and is on medication. A fate I truly wish I
could change.
Be
supportive, watch for signs and symptoms, help avoid triggers, and try to let
your child adapt however they need to in order to make it through a school day.
Speaking to the parents out there that are trying to keep your heads above
water. It will get easier, try different approaches, and work with medical
professionals, the school district, get family support, and let your child know
they are not alone! After the last 24 hours my child has been on a roller coaster. Not sure where all of this came from, but I hope it helps someone! ~Mental Mari
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