Coming Down.…

            Well hello there everyone, I can see that you’re out there. Not quite sure why, unless you like watching a train going 100 mph out of control! Train wreck, that’s about where I am now! After marching in and out of The Good Doc (my psychiatrist) office I’m guessing 5 time in the last two months. I’m finally coming down, feels fast, and a little scary, however a clear thought or two has passed thru my usually manic brain.

            I got my reminder call last night, appointment with The Good Doc at 1:30PM today. Great, another appointment, another risk driving….did I mention that’s my nap time? Some days I wish I had the support my friends have. Someone that cares how they feel enough to be proactive in their treatment. I never let anyone get that close to me I guess. I stay strong for my child. I’m all she has, so when my world is falling apart I have to create some sort of normalcy in hers.

            The last few weeks have been a world wind of a long lasting nightmare! I’ve made bad choices, and have suffered repercussions for my manic behavior. Ugh, why Mari, why are you always digging yourself out of trenches, ones I dug for myself. I’m sane now folks, HA! I’m not gravitating towards the dark side today, but I’m having a hard time seeing the damn light. I feel like I wake up day after day not knowing the person that’s going to arise. Will I have clarity today? Or another day of utter confusion with big decisions to be made? Today looks like a good day, I’m sending out good vibes today, in hopes some come find me. At least let me make good driving decisions. Is that too much to ask of myself?

            I walked into “The Good Docs” office maybe 2 weeks ago? Hell, who can keep up with dates, and times when you’re too manic to figure out what day it is in the first place. I had enough, my adjustments weren’t doing shit. I always hate messing with my cocktail of psych meds, but something had to give. Looked like one of my mood stabilizers’ was overpowering my anti-psychotic. (Now I’m not big on brand name dropping. Mostly because I know what works for me, may not work for you, remember my cocktail, not yours.) Time to change up the regimen, see if it worked.

Well it worked! The spiraling has stopped, and I’m slowly sliding down, not too far down. Not yet! Did I mention I’m eating my own self out of house and home! I can’t stop! Here comes another 30lbs to add onto my already obese stature. Great, trade my sanity for vanity that’s what it comes down to for me. I can remember 7 years ago the same process with the last anti psychotic, the water retention, nausea, the vomiting, along with endless hours of sleeping. It’s all back in full effect, I’m officially in slug mode.

Unfortunately there is a trade off to my sanity, psych drugs are both my savior, and my mortal enemy. The side effects are grueling I know, I’ve been on and off of them for at least the last 17 years. It’s not pretty, I’ve resorted to the living room as home base. I’m finally not so jittery that I can’t sit still. No, now I’m on lump status as day after day slides by, and reality comes back. All the messes I need to clean up. I want to give The Good Doc a big high-five when I see her today, if I had the energy that is. She’s brought me down from flying in the skies, to at least being able to have a rationale thought. Maybe this tweaking will work, maybe it’s too much. I can’t decide, I’m just so happy I’m not swinging from the roof tops at the moment. ~Mental Mari