Could it really be true? Did a magical fairy come see
me last night? She must have dusted me with the “good stuff” because it actually
feels like I’m leveling out people? I’m calm as I ask myself “Could this be me having
my one week of clarity?” Oh man, I don’t want to waste one second because I
know what follows! I tend to get twelve good weeks a year. I have no idea why
it’s exactly 7-10 days I get a month away from utterly crumbling. Twelve glorious
weeks a year where I am completely coherent, have a clear heart, and head. I
know. I know. All that medication, and you get twelve weeks a year? Being
diagnoses with Bipolar II w/ Mixed Episodes leaves me yo-yoing throughout the
month. Well, yes that’s what I get, it’s been like this since my diagnosis over
a decade ago, as my blog will take you through my ups and downs! So let me slow
my roll before I go feeling elated! Time to do the checklist, I won’t believe
it’s my special week until I’ve accessed the situation.
I know my typical indicators
I can mentally run through my checklist quickly. First let’s make sure this
good mood isn’t mania creeping back up on me! They can look one in the same
when they first come on. Please no! “Calm yourself Mari”…o.k. checklist. I’m
not swinging from the rafters, don’t feel moody as fuck, not driving like a
complete maniac. I was apparently a race car driver in my previous life! I know
where things are, and I’m not scatter brained. I even know where my wallet and
keys are currently. Bills actually got paid so I’m not spending money that I
don’t have. Looking good so far! I can
sit still… maybe no longer manic, well not to where I’m being too abnormal…I defiantly
don’t feel like starting a Fortune 500 Company, or going backpacking across
Europe. No I feel calmer than when I’m manic. I’m not hearing that annoying
voice that always convinces me to do shit I don’t want to do. One by one I’m
checking down the list, hey I might be o.k.!
O.k.
so first round was good, let’s look at the flip side. I’m not emotional, and
crying for no reason. The worry has subsided for now. I felt refreshed, and
renewed when I got up this morning, which is odd, very odd. I feel like I could
hold a conversation without being an emotional wreck (yes, even the grocery list
can break me mentally.) I don’t feel like being under my blankets, buried under
my zillion pillows. Doors and windows are open letting in fresh air I normally
don’t breathe. We won’t talk about the way sunlight irritates me more than an
extra happy person! Nope, I don’t seem depressed, can it REALLY be time! I’ll
have to test this theory out on other “humans” when they arise. Test my
irritability level. No, not depressed, I feel strong!
Dare
I say it’s HERE!!!! Clarity my friend, I how I miss you other days of the
month! I dare not make any large decisions while I’m cycling. I save the big
stuff for this week. No wonder I run myself into the ground after my 7-10 days!
On deck first is quality time with my girl! She loves me unconditionally, she
helps when I’m “sick” and things go astray. My daughter is amazing, I don’t
have a clue how she deals with me….maybe a movie, that’s her favorite! Of
course she’s not going to arise for hours, so maybe I can undo some of the ciaos
I’ve created in the house. I mean why there are 6 pairs of shoes on the living
room floor! Good time to call family, and act like I’m thrilled to hear from
them, even though I’M CALLING THEM! So many things to do! I feel good, I feel
rested, I feel calm, and all of this together screams “it’s time Mari!” Off to
be a busy bee……~Mental Mari
No comments:
Post a Comment