Day 3: I've managed to show up 3 whole days in a row! Hi everyone, it's Mental Mari, and this is PART of my story....
Nobody
told me I could be mentally ill times 3! Ugh as if one wasn’t hard enough! Now
I carry 3 “labels.” Ones that may sound common, but when you roll them up, and
tie a nice bow around them all, what you have is an extremely mentally ill
person.
So what are you? I know... I know everyone want to know. Many of you may have dual, possibly poly mental illness diagnosis
like me. Let me first say the spectrum of mental illness is far, and wide. You
could be diagnosed as I was with Bipolar… but which kind? I try to stick as
closely to the DSMV Book as possible. Believe me I bug my psychologist all the
time to look up things for me, as my book and blog come flowing out. So tell me
you say…o.k. here we go Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD), Bipolar I w/ Mixed
Episodes, and Agoraphobia.... Well there they are folks, there are the labels I
carry? I’m wondering right now what yours are? Could we be battling the same
demons? Most likely in one way or another. So here’s how I deal, the tricks of
the trade if you will. How to function in life (with medication), and be
productive as it goes by day after day.
I was
diagnosed with PTSD in 2004 by a counselor, while stationed in Germany. I was
off my rocker BIG time at that point. Not knowing what I know now, I yo-yoed on
and off medication, and practiced regressive memory therapy. It was hard, I identified
stressors that impacted my life so bad I had blocked most of it out. I went, I
participated appointment after appointment, until I was given a PTSD diagnosis
from my counselor, and confirmed by my primary physician. It sucked. Regressive
therapy is hard, sometimes recalling too much…. Stuff I wanted buried down deep
inside me. I finally had enough, and stopped going. I was an emotional wreck
thinking, and reliving horrible experiences I had blocked out. Not the right
kind of therapy, not the right time. I deal with my PTSD today, that’s about
all you can do. I’ve adapted things in my lifestyle to keep those triggers
away. Mostly works until I lose it kick a hole in my wall, flashing back to
getting thrown thru a wall. Got to avoid those triggers, have to stay sane!
Bipolar
I with Mixed Episodes came not too far after the PTSD. I thought surely one, as
I bounced on and off antidepressants for almost a year. I wasn’t getting
better, I was getting worse. My "friend psychosis" came back. Id stand for hours
at my bay window, waiting on the Military Police to pick me up. Completely
irrational, but the voices were there, they told me they were coming, and I
felt it to my core that I was right.
I was getting so bad my then husband was
in Iraq, he had heard I was losing it. He called “Go Home Mari” aka "you’re not
fucking up my career." So I did, this was 2005, I was desperate for help. I
returned to California and made an appointment with a psychiatrist, something
that had never occurred me to do. He had me nailed down in my Psych Evaluation. In the end, looking at my symptoms, all my ups all to fall down, my sleep, what we had tried before….yup,
most defiantly Bipolar I with Mixed Episodes. Medication was started that
night…we can talk later about how much fun psych meds are to go on and off of.
I started noticing a difference by the time I returned to the psychiatrist I
saw, I felt better. So avoid your triggers again! Take your meds, and every day,
on time! Keep your appointments, be honest with your psychiatrist, and SLEEP! I
can’t express how important sleep is when you have any form of mental illness.
Oh
one more, I know I’ll make it short. It explains itself anyway…Agoraphobia.
Also known as the "fuck, I cannot leave this place!" I’m here, I’m safe, I know what’s
going on, and I can see all four walls. Yup, Agoraphobia plagues me more than
ANY of my labels do. It’s a bitch to be honest. I’m scared…plain and simple,
petrified of the world outside my front door. I’ve tried, and I can’t seem to put
my finger on when it began, sometime in 2006. I noticed the paranoia first,
“everyone is looking at me” I’d tell my therapist. I’d drag myself into the
real world to go to these appointments. I finally ended those sessions due to
“not being able to get out”. Now what he fuck does that mean…I know. It means
if I’m not comfortable with leaving my house, a level-ten panic attack on the
way. Shaking, crying, and collapsing on the floor unable to get air. That’s
what leaving my house looks like for me.
Now, I have my days,
today is not one of them, when I’m able to get around. I usually feel it right
away…pajama day I tell myself …nope,
no shower needed today. Geeze right. So how do you beat it? I do not have the
answer to that one. I stay happy as a lark, as ridiculous as it sounds, in my
house where I am safe! I make myself go out every day, even if to sit on the
back porch. Strive to make it out of the house, although I completely
understand if you can't! ~Mental Mari
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