Stuck In My Box….

“DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Agoraphobia. A) anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having an unexpected or situationally predisposed Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms.” - A.K.A “Stuck in a Box”

Quite frankly I should be happy to have a box. A place, my own spot in this world, that I can call my own. So I’m blessed…yet cursed at the same time. Somehow I managed to pay the bills, so I still have my place in this world. What an accomplishment ….right? Man I sound so unstable, how I can sound so unstable with ALL this medication, Dr. Appointments, and well sleeping that I’ve been doing. I mean is this as good as it gets? So back to life in my box. I’m stuck in here. Hellloooo WORLD, it’s me Mari! I’m stuck in this house! Nothing to be done about it except strategically try to conquer what plagues me and be appreciative that I have a box!

There was a time I didn’t have a box, not even someone else’s box. I remember sleeping on a wood floor with a half depleted airbed for a few nights. At least I had shelter…My parents wouldn’t even have me then. I had lost it all, with no family support, one of my former neighbors granted me her dining room floor. How could “Christians” as they love calling themselves, turn their back on their own daughter….I mean I know I’m off quite a bit, but I’ve never harmed anyone. I was in my 30’s at this point, just got laid off a job I was at for 3 years. I was losing everything slowly. My mind was the first thing to go, popping Xanax recreationaly all day every day. Maybe they didn’t want an addict in the house…who knows. Not like I’d be a drug head with my parents watching over me.

            Current situation is I’m currently trapped by these four walls, I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced life stuck in a box before, I seem to enjoy it, finding myself here day after day. It was maybe 2011 when it started getting really bad. I was informed by my therapist agoraphobia described my behavior. I thought it was simple, I’m bipolar and grouchy, don’t feel good most of the time, it’s easier to resort to these four walls. What happens when you can’t leave your spot? I’m there right about now, fearing the world out there with all it has to “offer.” Completely irrational to some….some of you understand the paralyzing fear that runs thru me as I step foot out the front door. There is good news however! I’ve made it out of my room! Hooray, I’m not completely debilitated! I plan things out, yes generally I stress so hard on how to not panic, and I end up panicking! Damnit, where are my “green pills” as I begin to shake and cry about “leaving the box.”

            I have a game plan, “plan” being the operative word. I go over the next day over and over in my head. Have to go out twice today I tell myself. Get my daughter to and from school, with various stops before, and after if I must. I pay bills online, I shop for both food and necessities online. Rarely do I need to do anything in the “outside world” other than what I am responsible as a mother to do. See how I’ve done that….I’ve created my own world. I’d die without Internet and the gas station on the corner! I’m thankful for the support I’ve found inside my world! I mean I’m the one that created it! I have few “friends” which are basically people that put up with my shit. I love each of them, mentally ill themselves or not. I’m pretty content here in “my world” as day after day passes me by. Some people don’t understand with their off the cuff remarks like  “you’re wasting away”, or my favorite, “get out and get some sunshine.” If they only knew how hard that really is for me… agoraphobia sucks! It’s not that I don’t want to be included….meantime I’m over here…stuck in my box, and I’m o.k. with that! ~ Mental Mari