I knew there was a problem as soon as I got the text,
Are you hear yet? Oh boy, that’s code for she had a bad day. Therefore we now
forget about every fucked up thing that I’m going thru and concentrate 100% on
my daughter’s world. I was waiting for this collapse. She hasn’t seen her
therapist in weeks due to my “malfunction” of my car. I tried to head it off
last week when the stress started showing in her behavior. Still waiting on an
appointment, her counselor is amazing, however very hard to get into.
So we
wait, the anxiety takes her over sometimes, she forgets all the tools she’s
been taught, and were hitting level 10 panic attacks almost daily. School. What
school! I see the lamenting look as she pours a pill into her hand. I can see
what she’s thinking. “Why, Am I going to end up like my mother who depends on
her meds?” She doesn’t have to say it, I can see it on her face. She’s in slug
mode taking more of her anxiety medication than normal, slug status.
As of
last night she quit two, possibly three extracurricular activities, tore her
room down from top to bottom, then cried because she wrecked her “haven”. She’s
all over the map. Much like her trying to keep it “under control” mother. Being
a single mom isn’t easy. Being a single mom with mental illness is harder. But
NOTHING is harder than watching your child suffer with mental illness. All my
issues have gone wayside, she’s hurting…I don’t know how to fix her! I know
rationally that I don’t hold the power to “fix” her, but damnit I want to.
OK
signing out for a little time with my mini-me! ~Mental Mari
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