So as much as I want to stay on the straight and
narrow side of maintaining my mental health, I continue to cycle in and out of
depression, in and out of mania. I’ve been flying pretty high these last few
weeks. Hence the birth of this blog, even two today people! I noticed it myself, which means it’s probably pretty bad. We adjusted
my meds to slow me down a bit, but I had a reaction to the increase blowing my
feet and legs up to where I couldn’t walk. Besides changing my entire
“cocktail” I decided to ride the waves of mania out, and pray I don’t ruin my
life! 4-weeks out is my next appointment. Just enough to let the rain pass and
level out. Listen to your psychiatrist, something I wish I would have done.
However when you have Superman Powers, who needs to listen…right, wrong! The
last thing my psychiatrist told me was “No DRIVING”. From treating me all these
years (9 to be exact) she knows how I tend to race down side streets at 80 mph, and play with
the radio way too much, and am completely wreck less behind the wheel.
Here
I sit with a totaled car, wishing I wasn’t so damn defiant!! She told me, no
driving, it’s even written in my records, no driving. What do I do? Continue to
put the petal to the floorboard, and smile as I race like a mad woman up and
down the streets. Over 100 mph in my Mustang, flying down the highway to an
appointment I’m not even late for. Don’t drive, slow down, all of which a
things that ring in my head as I quickly step on the gas. Who is she to tell me
I can’t drive, who’s to say I’m not “sane”. Well a totaled car does!
I hit a parked trailer in a residential neighborhood head on at 35 mph. Yup, I did that, just last
night, great! Bad decision making is pretty common when you’re in a manic
state. Hell I’m manic right now, scrambling to figure out how I’m going to get
around, how my daughter will get to her activities, her counseling, and her
psych appointments. Great! Mother of the year award for this girl! I’m
completely still manic as I sit here rambling on….Too late to say put away the
keys! In the last month, I’ve gone on a $1500.00 shopping spree, with what
money, well rent money of course! I’ve totaled my beloved car, and here I sit
without a clear thought in my head. All I can think about is “what am I going
to do?” I’m broke, I live in a rural area, with little to no public
transportation, the school bus doesn’t even reach us…ugh how am I going to
do…well next time maybe FOLLOW DOCTORS ORDERS! Geeze you would think a decade
after I received my Bipolar I diagnosis I’d get my shit together!
Bottom line is I need to
listen, and follow directions as my psychiatrist has given them to me. I
wouldn’t be sitting here trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do! Is
this normal, am I always going to cycle? Well, that has been my norm… even with
medication management, and talk therapy I still can swing dangerously high, and
low. Last night was obviously a high, I wasn’t speeding, but I had no ability
to focus or concentrate on driving! Should not have be driving, but I did, now
I pay the repercussions…. Life being manic, isn’t it fun, undoing all that you
manage to do when you’re flying high. Moral of this story, DON’T BE DEFIANT!!
Listen to your psychiatrist, and follow their orders, it’s not all about taking
your meds, its more about leading a productive, safe lifestyle! ~Mental Mari Yes, I was blessed, the air bags literally saved my life...thankful for sure!
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