The Foul Mouthed One In the Corner Said It….

            I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me, the way I talk to myself! I wouldn’t even want to be around someone that had this kind of toxicity in their head. The toxic words that I could spew would be enough to keep anyone away. I think its way past negative self-talk, more like a huge voice screaming in my ear what a complete FUCK UP I can be. Self-talk, yes most defiantly the problem is telling the difference between logical vs illogical self-talk. It can be a blurred line for me at times.

At times I can have full conversations in my head. My ex-boyfriend use to find the “looks on my face” during these internal conversations, and crack up. “If I only knew what was going on in that brain of yours” he would say.  He really didn’t want to know…not really.

The voice can be persistent, constant, angry, and extremely loud… personally that’s my illogical, side taking over. I’m crud, foul mouthed, and tell myself I’m worthless. All this in one tiny brain… damn it can be exhausting. “How much of this is real?” I think when I get a moment of clarity? Now these moments of clarity don’t always come. When they do I’m pretty good at identifying the difference. The foul mouthed one in the corner of my brain is the one to blame.

            Now let’s look at the positive self-talking voice. The soothing one that comes after the storm. I like that soothing voice that is logical, and helps me think straight. Positive self-talk is always there, just often not a loud as its counterpart. My self-talk brings me moments of peacefulness in my brain that is full of ciaos. I listen to this side,.....to this “self-talk” if you will. I remember tripping on acid a million and one times searching for clarity, and that soothing voice. Somehow, someway I felt at peace on these “trips” a tranquil moment I could have during my otherwise chaotic life I was living at the time. Somehow some way yes with LOT’S of therapy the good side of self-talk came out.

I’ve learned that that little tiny soothing voice can really be more powerful than the loud negative person who also lives in my brain. So with a lot of talk-therapy I learned to tune into that soothing voice. The one that use to be the quiet one is most defiantly is louder than the negative self-talk. It’s not easy, hell I use to use acid just to gain a clear mind! Not anymore! A lot of time and work went into strengthen that positive voice. One of my many therapists asked me on my first visit. “So, what are you here for?” Instead of spilling out my one hundred and one problems, I came to the root. Self-talk. I’m my own worst critic, and I had to relearn how to think.

Looking back at my childhood its evident where the self-talk started as a child. Constantly being berating as a child is what formed that loud, angry person in my head! With a lot of work that voice has ALMOST been silenced! When I get in very stressful situations I can revert to the past, believe me I try not to. I try to smother other that loud voice no matter how loud it tries to get. I am no longer a child to be berated by myself or others. When the foul mouthed one comes into play, I use a simple techniques to strengthen that positive person in my head! Deep breathing is my best friend, a few good deep breaths settle my mind and allow me to come back to reality! Find your peaceful place people, and don’t listen to the menace in your head!  ~Mental Mari

The Biggest Lie I Ever Told Myself….

            I can beat it… probably the biggest lie I ever told myself. When I obtained my first diagnosis Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) things were looking up. At least I now knew why I was acting so out of character, pop a pill Mari, pop a pill! Something I had been doing that was recreational fun for years. No problem, then it can go away. If I only knew then, what I know now maybe I wouldn’t have been so optimistic. The “I can beat this” attitude plagued my life for a better part of a century. Truth be told, there is no magic pill people. There are pills. Lots of medications that can help curve the serious symptoms of mental illness, but to beat it, I don't know.

            PTSD can be crippling for the person if affects. Night sweats, heighten awareness, flashbacks, and noise sensitivity are my personal triggers. No one told me this was a battle I’d be fighting daily for the rest of my life! Seems unfair, what did I do? Short answer…nothing. Long answer something traumatic has happened in your life, could be an event in which you were threatened physically, mentally, or sexually. Now I’m not saying that everyone that have these symptoms have PTSD. Rather I am stating that if you notice there are “triggers” that cause you to act out of your normal character, time to make that appointment, and seek out treatment.

            What is she talking about?  Flash backs, night sweats, and noise sensitivity, well these are a few of my personal triggers that I try to avoid at all costs. For example grocery shopping is my own personal hell, even on a good day. Crowds of people, bright lights above, and noises personally can flash me back to the abuse I suffered as a child. The worst, the absolute worse is at the grocery store for me! That “noises” get me, so you’re asking what could be so bad that you completely leave a full cart, all to run for the nearest exit. The noise goes like this “SMACK” followed by a crying child who is no doubt in trouble. That’s it for me! I see it, I hear it, and I fear it. I’ve left full carts of groceries right where I stood, which always makes my child irritated. Here she thinks that she’s about to get her Oreos, and mom is running for the nearest exit!

            What in the world you’re asking yourself? She’s insane…no it’s all part of my PTSD diagnosis, and that noise brings can bring on flashbacks. Flashbacks can be extremely real. I sweat, I cry, I shake, and I feel like I’m being abused again. The feelings all come back, as I revert back to a child who was physically abused, all those decades ago. I feel stupid, my self-talk takes over, and here I sit thinking the belt is coming once more time, when in all reality, there is no belt, not anymore.

            So, she doesn’t shop, no groceries in her house? No, I’ve tried all kinds of things in order to avoid stirring up this thing called PTSD. I’ve shopped at midnight, I’ve tried 5AM, but one “smack” and all that shopping has gone to waste. Not to mention the attitude I get from other shoppers, and the cashier, when I walk up to the only open register in the store with a grocery cart full to the brim. So that worked for a while, years I’d put my headphones in and rush down every isle hastily grabbing what “makes sense”. Often coming up short, hot dogs, no buns. Whatever it takes to just get OUT of there. "Sorry no ice cream, too many people, couldn’t get down the aisle" Id explain to my daughter.

So what do you do, groceries have to be purchased, my child needs to eat! I tried talk therapy, sending people to shop for me, that gets expensive, meditating first, ear phones, deep breathing I believe I’ve tried all the tools that I know of. Nothing keeps the flashbacks away, and I feel completely crippled. Until I got my “power back”, online grocery shopping has my cabinets full, and my anxiety at bay. I’m now able to choose what I want and need, I have my power back! Look for your “out”, find a way to adapt, don’t be crippled be proactive!

I know, I know sounds easy! Believe me I know it’s not easy, otherwise I would have figured out how to beat it years ago. PTSD is sneaky like that, hard to control and can pop up on you with no warning!  Look for your “power”, avoid your triggers as much as you can! It’s been a lifetime ago since I endured the violence that was in my life, I’ve been living with PTSD as far back as my mind will let me wonder. Still I hear “that noise” and I crumble…. Don’t crumble, avoid triggers, and handle your anxiety the best you can! ~Mental Mari