The Biggest Lie I Ever Told Myself….

            I can beat it… probably the biggest lie I ever told myself. When I obtained my first diagnosis Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) things were looking up. At least I now knew why I was acting so out of character, pop a pill Mari, pop a pill! Something I had been doing that was recreational fun for years. No problem, then it can go away. If I only knew then, what I know now maybe I wouldn’t have been so optimistic. The “I can beat this” attitude plagued my life for a better part of a century. Truth be told, there is no magic pill people. There are pills. Lots of medications that can help curve the serious symptoms of mental illness, but to beat it, I don't know.

            PTSD can be crippling for the person if affects. Night sweats, heighten awareness, flashbacks, and noise sensitivity are my personal triggers. No one told me this was a battle I’d be fighting daily for the rest of my life! Seems unfair, what did I do? Short answer…nothing. Long answer something traumatic has happened in your life, could be an event in which you were threatened physically, mentally, or sexually. Now I’m not saying that everyone that have these symptoms have PTSD. Rather I am stating that if you notice there are “triggers” that cause you to act out of your normal character, time to make that appointment, and seek out treatment.

            What is she talking about?  Flash backs, night sweats, and noise sensitivity, well these are a few of my personal triggers that I try to avoid at all costs. For example grocery shopping is my own personal hell, even on a good day. Crowds of people, bright lights above, and noises personally can flash me back to the abuse I suffered as a child. The worst, the absolute worse is at the grocery store for me! That “noises” get me, so you’re asking what could be so bad that you completely leave a full cart, all to run for the nearest exit. The noise goes like this “SMACK” followed by a crying child who is no doubt in trouble. That’s it for me! I see it, I hear it, and I fear it. I’ve left full carts of groceries right where I stood, which always makes my child irritated. Here she thinks that she’s about to get her Oreos, and mom is running for the nearest exit!

            What in the world you’re asking yourself? She’s insane…no it’s all part of my PTSD diagnosis, and that noise brings can bring on flashbacks. Flashbacks can be extremely real. I sweat, I cry, I shake, and I feel like I’m being abused again. The feelings all come back, as I revert back to a child who was physically abused, all those decades ago. I feel stupid, my self-talk takes over, and here I sit thinking the belt is coming once more time, when in all reality, there is no belt, not anymore.

            So, she doesn’t shop, no groceries in her house? No, I’ve tried all kinds of things in order to avoid stirring up this thing called PTSD. I’ve shopped at midnight, I’ve tried 5AM, but one “smack” and all that shopping has gone to waste. Not to mention the attitude I get from other shoppers, and the cashier, when I walk up to the only open register in the store with a grocery cart full to the brim. So that worked for a while, years I’d put my headphones in and rush down every isle hastily grabbing what “makes sense”. Often coming up short, hot dogs, no buns. Whatever it takes to just get OUT of there. "Sorry no ice cream, too many people, couldn’t get down the aisle" Id explain to my daughter.

So what do you do, groceries have to be purchased, my child needs to eat! I tried talk therapy, sending people to shop for me, that gets expensive, meditating first, ear phones, deep breathing I believe I’ve tried all the tools that I know of. Nothing keeps the flashbacks away, and I feel completely crippled. Until I got my “power back”, online grocery shopping has my cabinets full, and my anxiety at bay. I’m now able to choose what I want and need, I have my power back! Look for your “out”, find a way to adapt, don’t be crippled be proactive!

I know, I know sounds easy! Believe me I know it’s not easy, otherwise I would have figured out how to beat it years ago. PTSD is sneaky like that, hard to control and can pop up on you with no warning!  Look for your “power”, avoid your triggers as much as you can! It’s been a lifetime ago since I endured the violence that was in my life, I’ve been living with PTSD as far back as my mind will let me wonder. Still I hear “that noise” and I crumble…. Don’t crumble, avoid triggers, and handle your anxiety the best you can! ~Mental Mari

Poly-Want Label… My Life with a Poly Mental Diagnosis…..

          

Day 3: I've managed to show up 3 whole days in a row! Hi everyone, it's Mental Mari, and this is PART of my story....

            Nobody told me I could be mentally ill times 3! Ugh as if one wasn’t hard enough! Now I carry 3 “labels.” Ones that may sound common, but when you roll them up, and tie a nice bow around them all, what you have is an extremely mentally ill person.

So what are you? I know... I know everyone want to know. Many of you may have dual, possibly poly mental illness diagnosis like me. Let me first say the spectrum of mental illness is far, and wide. You could be diagnosed as I was with Bipolar… but which kind? I try to stick as closely to the DSMV Book as possible. Believe me I bug my psychologist all the time to look up things for me, as my book and blog come flowing out. So tell me you say…o.k. here we go Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD), Bipolar I w/ Mixed Episodes, and Agoraphobia.... Well there they are folks, there are the labels I carry? I’m wondering right now what yours are? Could we be battling the same demons? Most likely in one way or another. So here’s how I deal, the tricks of the trade if you will. How to function in life (with medication), and be productive as it goes by day after day.

            I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2004 by a counselor, while stationed in Germany. I was off my rocker BIG time at that point. Not knowing what I know now, I yo-yoed on and off medication, and practiced regressive memory therapy. It was hard, I identified stressors that impacted my life so bad I had blocked most of it out. I went, I participated appointment after appointment, until I was given a PTSD diagnosis from my counselor, and confirmed by my primary physician. It sucked. Regressive therapy is hard, sometimes recalling too much…. Stuff I wanted buried down deep inside me. I finally had enough, and stopped going. I was an emotional wreck thinking, and reliving horrible experiences I had blocked out. Not the right kind of therapy, not the right time. I deal with my PTSD today, that’s about all you can do. I’ve adapted things in my lifestyle to keep those triggers away. Mostly works until I lose it kick a hole in my wall, flashing back to getting thrown thru a wall. Got to avoid those triggers, have to stay sane!

            Bipolar I with Mixed Episodes came not too far after the PTSD. I thought surely one, as I bounced on and off antidepressants for almost a year. I wasn’t getting better, I was getting worse. My "friend psychosis" came back. Id stand for hours at my bay window, waiting on the Military Police to pick me up. Completely irrational, but the voices were there, they told me they were coming, and I felt it to my core that I was right.

           I was getting so bad my then husband was in Iraq, he had heard I was losing it. He called “Go Home Mari” aka "you’re not fucking up my career." So I did, this was 2005, I was desperate for help. I returned to California and made an appointment with a psychiatrist, something that had never occurred me to do. He had me nailed down in my Psych Evaluation. In the end, looking at my symptoms, all my ups all to fall down, my sleep, what we had tried before….yup, most defiantly Bipolar I with Mixed Episodes. Medication was started that night…we can talk later about how much fun psych meds are to go on and off of. I started noticing a difference by the time I returned to the psychiatrist I saw, I felt better. So avoid your triggers again! Take your meds, and every day, on time! Keep your appointments, be honest with your psychiatrist, and SLEEP! I can’t express how important sleep is when you have any form of mental illness.

            Oh one more, I know I’ll make it short. It explains itself anyway…Agoraphobia. Also known as the "fuck, I cannot leave this place!" I’m here, I’m safe, I know what’s going on, and I can see all four walls. Yup, Agoraphobia plagues me more than ANY of my labels do. It’s a bitch to be honest. I’m scared…plain and simple, petrified of the world outside my front door. I’ve tried, and I can’t seem to put my finger on when it began, sometime in 2006. I noticed the paranoia first, “everyone is looking at me” I’d tell my therapist. I’d drag myself into the real world to go to these appointments. I finally ended those sessions due to “not being able to get out”. Now what he fuck does that mean…I know. It means if I’m not comfortable with leaving my house, a level-ten panic attack on the way. Shaking, crying, and collapsing on the floor unable to get air. That’s what leaving my house looks like for me.

Now, I have my days, today is not one of them, when I’m able to get around. I usually feel it right away…pajama day I tell myself …nope, no shower needed today. Geeze right. So how do you beat it? I do not have the answer to that one. I stay happy as a lark, as ridiculous as it sounds, in my house where I am safe! I make myself go out every day, even if to sit on the back porch. Strive to make it out of the house, although I completely understand if you can't!  ~Mental Mari