Balancing Act….

            My mind is clear today, and for that I am grateful! However it hasn’t always been like this. Hell it’s only been two days of normalcy in the last two months. I want to encourage all of you that are doing the balancing act in life, do something about it! If something has been wrong, and you can tell you’re not thinking clearly, and other people are noticing as well. You somehow, someway have to make it to a psychiatric appointment. Step one, get an evaluation, diagnosis, and get to work. Mental illness is a battle, and its one you’re going to fight every day. So get treatment, get leveled out, because the world keeps moving no matter the state of mind your in.

Whatever type of family you have, you have a place, and responsibilities. As nice as it would be to have your head in the sky, or bury yourself under your covers and sleep day and night, there is someone, somewhere that needs you! So what’s the big deal? Well there really isn’t a big deal unless you call wasting away a big deal. I encourage you to get out from under those blankets, and take life minute by minute. Some days that’s all you can do.

            Granted I was that person, for years! I know exactly what it’s like to crave your bed, feeling like you’re carrying a ton of bricks! I think I slept for two years straight before I got leveled off with my PTSD, and Bipolar II diagnosis. Medication adjustments, commitment to a healthy lifestyle, keeping all appointments, TAKING YOUR MEDS, and blood work, lots of blood work! Stick with it, I promise eventually you will level off, and start to lead a functioning life.

            Who is she to tell me what to do, I mean she’s obviously “mental” too? Well I’m not a doctor, not a psychiatrist, most defiantly not by any means a physiologist. Who I am is a person who has struggled with mental illness for my entire 37 years on earth. Mostly untreated, so I know all about signs and symptoms! I’ve read everything from the DVSMs to autobiographies about people with all kinds of mental illness. Sometimes I find myself in those pages I read. I read and reread, often I see more than I want to, have to admit to a lot more than I want too. Heads up, do the research yourself! Be proactive, and please don’t diagnose yourself, especially from reading a blog. Get help, it’s out there!

            Now you’ve made your way to a psychiatrist, and you’ve been given a diagnosis, that’s wonderful, I know doesn’t seem wonderful to be labeled “mental” but look at it like this…at least now you know what’s plaguing your life, and now you can stop wasting away, and get to it! I am not going to tell you it’s going to all be ok, that life with mental illness isn’t easy, because that is far from the truth! Your about to embark on the most challenging journey you’ve ever been on. So pull up your boot straps, and let’s get to work!

 Psychiatric medications are harsh, able to put you down in a second with the side effects. That there’s just no way around possible side effects. I’ve never met a psych med that agreed with my body at first. The constant tiredness, the vomiting on a frequent basis, the urge to curl in a ball and give it all up! Yeah, psych meds are horrible to say the least side effects are, they can range from dry mouth, to dry mouth to making you suicidal…I know right, suicidal, yes! Be open and honest with your psychiatrist. Make a list of your symptoms, you have got to be able to articulate what is going on with your body, and in your head. I promise you there is light at the end of this very long tunnel! Don’t stop taking your meds, no matter how good you feel, discuss the side effects your having with your doctor, there are alternatives out there, and your doctor can work with you. Take care of yourself…you deserve it! ~Mental Mari

            

Leveling Out…Maybe

              Could it really be true? Did a magical fairy come see me last night? She must have dusted me with the “good stuff” because it actually feels like I’m leveling out people? I’m calm as I ask myself “Could this be me having my one week of clarity?” Oh man, I don’t want to waste one second because I know what follows! I tend to get twelve good weeks a year. I have no idea why it’s exactly 7-10 days I get a month away from utterly crumbling. Twelve glorious weeks a year where I am completely coherent, have a clear heart, and head. I know. I know. All that medication, and you get twelve weeks a year? Being diagnoses with Bipolar II w/ Mixed Episodes leaves me yo-yoing throughout the month. Well, yes that’s what I get, it’s been like this since my diagnosis over a decade ago, as my blog will take you through my ups and downs! So let me slow my roll before I go feeling elated! Time to do the checklist, I won’t believe it’s my special week until I’ve accessed the situation.

I know my typical indicators I can mentally run through my checklist quickly. First let’s make sure this good mood isn’t mania creeping back up on me! They can look one in the same when they first come on. Please no! “Calm yourself Mari”…o.k. checklist. I’m not swinging from the rafters, don’t feel moody as fuck, not driving like a complete maniac. I was apparently a race car driver in my previous life! I know where things are, and I’m not scatter brained. I even know where my wallet and keys are currently. Bills actually got paid so I’m not spending money that I don’t have. Looking good so far!  I can sit still… maybe no longer manic, well not to where I’m being too abnormal…I defiantly don’t feel like starting a Fortune 500 Company, or going backpacking across Europe. No I feel calmer than when I’m manic. I’m not hearing that annoying voice that always convinces me to do shit I don’t want to do. One by one I’m checking down the list, hey I might be o.k.!

            O.k. so first round was good, let’s look at the flip side. I’m not emotional, and crying for no reason. The worry has subsided for now. I felt refreshed, and renewed when I got up this morning, which is odd, very odd. I feel like I could hold a conversation without being an emotional wreck (yes, even the grocery list can break me mentally.) I don’t feel like being under my blankets, buried under my zillion pillows. Doors and windows are open letting in fresh air I normally don’t breathe. We won’t talk about the way sunlight irritates me more than an extra happy person! Nope, I don’t seem depressed, can it REALLY be time! I’ll have to test this theory out on other “humans” when they arise. Test my irritability level. No, not depressed, I feel strong!

            Dare I say it’s HERE!!!! Clarity my friend, I how I miss you other days of the month! I dare not make any large decisions while I’m cycling. I save the big stuff for this week. No wonder I run myself into the ground after my 7-10 days! On deck first is quality time with my girl! She loves me unconditionally, she helps when I’m “sick” and things go astray. My daughter is amazing, I don’t have a clue how she deals with me….maybe a movie, that’s her favorite! Of course she’s not going to arise for hours, so maybe I can undo some of the ciaos I’ve created in the house. I mean why there are 6 pairs of shoes on the living room floor! Good time to call family, and act like I’m thrilled to hear from them, even though I’M CALLING THEM! So many things to do! I feel good, I feel rested, I feel calm, and all of this together screams “it’s time Mari!” Off to be a busy bee……~Mental Mari

Stuck In My Box….

“DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Agoraphobia. A) anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having an unexpected or situationally predisposed Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms.” - A.K.A “Stuck in a Box”

Quite frankly I should be happy to have a box. A place, my own spot in this world, that I can call my own. So I’m blessed…yet cursed at the same time. Somehow I managed to pay the bills, so I still have my place in this world. What an accomplishment ….right? Man I sound so unstable, how I can sound so unstable with ALL this medication, Dr. Appointments, and well sleeping that I’ve been doing. I mean is this as good as it gets? So back to life in my box. I’m stuck in here. Hellloooo WORLD, it’s me Mari! I’m stuck in this house! Nothing to be done about it except strategically try to conquer what plagues me and be appreciative that I have a box!

There was a time I didn’t have a box, not even someone else’s box. I remember sleeping on a wood floor with a half depleted airbed for a few nights. At least I had shelter…My parents wouldn’t even have me then. I had lost it all, with no family support, one of my former neighbors granted me her dining room floor. How could “Christians” as they love calling themselves, turn their back on their own daughter….I mean I know I’m off quite a bit, but I’ve never harmed anyone. I was in my 30’s at this point, just got laid off a job I was at for 3 years. I was losing everything slowly. My mind was the first thing to go, popping Xanax recreationaly all day every day. Maybe they didn’t want an addict in the house…who knows. Not like I’d be a drug head with my parents watching over me.

            Current situation is I’m currently trapped by these four walls, I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced life stuck in a box before, I seem to enjoy it, finding myself here day after day. It was maybe 2011 when it started getting really bad. I was informed by my therapist agoraphobia described my behavior. I thought it was simple, I’m bipolar and grouchy, don’t feel good most of the time, it’s easier to resort to these four walls. What happens when you can’t leave your spot? I’m there right about now, fearing the world out there with all it has to “offer.” Completely irrational to some….some of you understand the paralyzing fear that runs thru me as I step foot out the front door. There is good news however! I’ve made it out of my room! Hooray, I’m not completely debilitated! I plan things out, yes generally I stress so hard on how to not panic, and I end up panicking! Damnit, where are my “green pills” as I begin to shake and cry about “leaving the box.”

            I have a game plan, “plan” being the operative word. I go over the next day over and over in my head. Have to go out twice today I tell myself. Get my daughter to and from school, with various stops before, and after if I must. I pay bills online, I shop for both food and necessities online. Rarely do I need to do anything in the “outside world” other than what I am responsible as a mother to do. See how I’ve done that….I’ve created my own world. I’d die without Internet and the gas station on the corner! I’m thankful for the support I’ve found inside my world! I mean I’m the one that created it! I have few “friends” which are basically people that put up with my shit. I love each of them, mentally ill themselves or not. I’m pretty content here in “my world” as day after day passes me by. Some people don’t understand with their off the cuff remarks like  “you’re wasting away”, or my favorite, “get out and get some sunshine.” If they only knew how hard that really is for me… agoraphobia sucks! It’s not that I don’t want to be included….meantime I’m over here…stuck in my box, and I’m o.k. with that! ~ Mental Mari

           

What Others Must Think…

            I can’t pull it together. I was flying so high for so long, I’m completely exhausted coming down. My body hurts people! I feel like I’ve been beat up with a club! I see that you are out there, following along as I’m scraping thou life with mental illness. I have my daughter motivated to return to some of her extracurricular, while I remain in my pajamas at home, alone with my pup Raco. He snoozes all day leaving me to worry, and re-worry about my latest issue in life. Currently worrying about buying a new car. I don’t know anything about buying a new car, but I know I need one.

            Ugh I can’t believe it…..Its nap time at 10AM. I’m so tired, my body aches. I didn’t sleep much last night which adds to my current state of exhaustion. I’ll be back…need to charge the battery extra early today…maybe I’ll feel like coming back later today?? ~ Mental Mari

The Cards Were Dealt….

          So we managed to get an urgent referral which got us an appointment with Psych for my daughter. So my 16 year old and I are sitting, waiting for her first psych appointment. Something is wrong. Her panic & Anxiety is at an all-time high, having them almost daily, as I watch her reach for her bottle of anxiety medicine, and empty one into her hand. I hate seeing that! I hate seeing her grab that bottle, and shake medication into her hand. Yes, it’s going to completely head off a potential level ten panic attack however watching her dump that little white pill into her hand as the bottle shakes holding the other. Ugh, if she would just use the damn tools they have taught her during countless hours with her psychologist.

            So we sit here, is this the waiting room of an adolescent psychiatrist facility. I’m sending good vibes, prayers up, anything I can think of waiting in that waiting room. I’m praying to whoever can hear my head screaming….not Bipolar, please not Bipolar. My daughter is very much so expecting a Bipolar Diagnosis, why because we had prepared her for that label. Bipolar, and Chronic Depression plagues both on my side, and on her father’s side of the family. These are the cards she was dealt…

            We are finally escorted back to a room with a psychiatrist three times the height of my mini-me. I’m uncomfortable, my daughter is copping major attitude, as I watch her sink down into her chair. I was ready! Completely ready for some answers as to what in the world is causing the mental health problems she has been having, and that has recently started running her life.

We sat down the night before. I knew she was going to remain silent, she does with all unfamiliar people. We worked on note cards the night before, previous medications, results and side effects. We counted the hours of broken sleep she gets nightly. Working our way to the big question, are you currently suicidal? These were the questions I knew they would be asking, and I figured I’d head off some of the uncomfortable questions with these note cards. Some psychiatrists are great communications, and can easily ask these invasive questions without making you feel completely crazy. I recommend always sitting down and writing out things like: questions, concerns, reactions to medications, anything you may forget during your allotted time.

            So we have followed this giant of a man back to his office, here we go I thought. Lay down the news so we can just move forward! I’m mentally exhausted as question, after question pops out of his mouth. They had a mutual love of Star Wars, so she warmed up slightly. In the end she was perfect, she wasn’t broken. I could breathe again! My daughter looked relieved, even though she was highly resistant to his recommendations that she clean up sleeping habits. Panic & Anxiety Disorder, I can totally help with that! Hell I’ve been dealing with that for years! She looked relieved… she was aware that she’s completely normal, especially for a hormonal teenager. 

I feel like I could breathe again as we high five in the elevator. We were both giddy, and excited, completely manageable (just like many mental illnesses). One minute I feel like I’m playing Russian roulette with a gun, unable to breathe, now I’m laughing uncontrollably in an elevator with my daughter. Time to be proactive with “cleaning up her bad habits”, and we should see some great improvement! One of her biggest problem, so no electronics two hours before bed…well were going to work on that. Together with “learning tools” with her psychologist I am confidant she will be completely beat the “crippling effect” she has now.

Not sure how to end this, I know a lot of people are not as fortunate as we were, believe me as a person who suffered as a child, I understand. What I can say is be observant, if something is plaguing your child, please make that appointment, get advice, don’t battle mental illness alone, but most of all be confidant in your diagnosis, you’re not alone out there!                                                   ~ Manic Mari

Mommy Madness

       

I think all mentally ill worry about passing down their mental illness to their child (ren). All that you’ve been through, the psychiatrist appointments, therapy, the blood draws, and my favorite side effects. I do believe there is a higher power out there that I communicate with. I spent countless hours thinking, begging, and praying that my mental illness wouldn’t plague my daughter. Please, don’t let her suffer I prayed from the time I got pregnant….until things started going haywire years later. The answer to my request was denied. My daughter was handed a loaded gun, not literally, but mental illness runs throughout both my side, and her biological father’s side. It was almost like it was predetermined.

            I’ve been through a lot in my life, I’ve suffered from Bipolar for the better part of my life. My child was not spared this ill fate of having mental illness. Now I am not saying mental illness will always cripple you. I know a lot of very productive people leading productive lives while fighting mental illness. However it’s always there, always lurking in the background waiting to rear its ugly head. This is what I tell my daughter, you have to fight it, you have to be strong, use the tools you’ve learned, and take your medicine. Something that can be foreign to a teenager, even one not battling mental illness.

            She started showing signs of mental illness in 7^th grade, “no way” I thought. She’s too young, I’ve never abused her, she has friends, and after school activities. She’s was making straight A’s with a couple B’s here and there, but I could see her falling apart in front of me. NO! Not my child, please spare her Id beg in my head as I picked her up early on a daily occurrence. She missed so much school that year it became obvious to me we had to be proactive to beat whatever was plaguing her. What do you do when you’re seeing signs of your child going through mental illness? You make that appointment and let the professionals point you in the right direction.

            Panic & Anxiety Disorder was her first official title. Her first “label” to wear. We barely made it through then next two years. We did talk therapy for a year, this is where she gained the “tools” she needed to “get through a day”. However when it escalates to what we call Level 10, tools go right out the window, and she’s sucked into that alternative universe where she can’t breathe, she’s crying hysterically, mumbling things that make no sense, shaking, and eventually exhausted. Panic attacks can last for minutes if caught and “tools”, such as deep breathing, and awareness can help make it less severe. Unfortunately she was having these attacks at school, and all I knew was I had to get to her. Speeding down the side streets, and running into the school, sometimes they had passed, other times shed fall to pieces as I grab and hold her tight. Exhausted we head home where shed collapse in the bed. Mental illness can be completely exhausting.

            Entering high school all I could do was hold my breath. I knew it was going to be an extreme change, and I honestly didn’t know if she could handle a school so big. I considered homeschooling, but working with her psychologist we submitted accommodations to the school. All were granted, and there was a better plan in the works, designed to get her through her day. The next two years were easier for her to escape for her. She soon became resistant to therapy, and refused to go. Sitting there in silence with her psychologist watching the clock tick down. Talk about frustrating. Talk about not knowing what to do as a parent. Should I home school her, should I let her fight it out? She was miserable, and there I was picking her up early day after day. We did this for the next two years. My daughter and I developed a code, a rating scale for her panic and anxiety. Level 3 was uncomfortable, level 5 was it’s coming, get me out of here, all the way up to level 10. She began hitting level 10 often. More often than I’d ever admit out loud. She was out of control, exhausted, and confused as to why she had these panic attacks. It was getting worse, day after day level 10 plagued her.

            She refused talk therapy, even trying a new psychologist. Where are my options? I felt like I was in the trenches with her, and we were going to fight this together! The only logical next move was find a good doctor, and get evaluated. The wait for adolescent psychiatry was 6-8 months in our area. Our PCM started her on something to curve her panic, and said it was obvious she needed antidepressants. She was overly emotional, head down, no eye contact, her mannerisms were screaming help me! The antidepressants were obviously needed, great another label for her to wear.

            Currently we are not there yet! She is not “fixed” all these years later. There is no “fixing” as my blog will tell you, but there are ways to cope in order to make life bearable. Identify your triggers, my daughters for instance doesn’t do well with noisy places, and rambunctious classrooms. She eventually gave in and has gone back to talk therapy, and is on medication. A fate I truly wish I could change.

            Be supportive, watch for signs and symptoms, help avoid triggers, and try to let your child adapt however they need to in order to make it through a school day. Speaking to the parents out there that are trying to keep your heads above water. It will get easier, try different approaches, and work with medical professionals, the school district, get family support, and let your child know they are not alone!  After the last 24 hours my child has been on a roller coaster. Not sure where all of this came from, but I hope it helps someone!   ~Mental Mari

Mother Daughter Tendencies…

             I knew there was a problem as soon as I got the text, Are you hear yet? Oh boy, that’s code for she had a bad day. Therefore we now forget about every fucked up thing that I’m going thru and concentrate 100% on my daughter’s world. I was waiting for this collapse. She hasn’t seen her therapist in weeks due to my “malfunction” of my car. I tried to head it off last week when the stress started showing in her behavior. Still waiting on an appointment, her counselor is amazing, however very hard to get into.

            So we wait, the anxiety takes her over sometimes, she forgets all the tools she’s been taught, and were hitting level 10 panic attacks almost daily. School. What school! I see the lamenting look as she pours a pill into her hand. I can see what she’s thinking. “Why, Am I going to end up like my mother who depends on her meds?” She doesn’t have to say it, I can see it on her face. She’s in slug mode taking more of her anxiety medication than normal, slug status.

            As of last night she quit two, possibly three extracurricular activities, tore her room down from top to bottom, then cried because she wrecked her “haven”. She’s all over the map. Much like her trying to keep it “under control” mother. Being a single mom isn’t easy. Being a single mom with mental illness is harder. But NOTHING is harder than watching your child suffer with mental illness. All my issues have gone wayside, she’s hurting…I don’t know how to fix her! I know rationally that I don’t hold the power to “fix” her, but damnit I want to.

            OK signing out for a little time with my mini-me! ~Mental Mari