The Biggest Lie I Ever Told Myself….

            I can beat it… probably the biggest lie I ever told myself. When I obtained my first diagnosis Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) things were looking up. At least I now knew why I was acting so out of character, pop a pill Mari, pop a pill! Something I had been doing that was recreational fun for years. No problem, then it can go away. If I only knew then, what I know now maybe I wouldn’t have been so optimistic. The “I can beat this” attitude plagued my life for a better part of a century. Truth be told, there is no magic pill people. There are pills. Lots of medications that can help curve the serious symptoms of mental illness, but to beat it, I don't know.

            PTSD can be crippling for the person if affects. Night sweats, heighten awareness, flashbacks, and noise sensitivity are my personal triggers. No one told me this was a battle I’d be fighting daily for the rest of my life! Seems unfair, what did I do? Short answer…nothing. Long answer something traumatic has happened in your life, could be an event in which you were threatened physically, mentally, or sexually. Now I’m not saying that everyone that have these symptoms have PTSD. Rather I am stating that if you notice there are “triggers” that cause you to act out of your normal character, time to make that appointment, and seek out treatment.

            What is she talking about?  Flash backs, night sweats, and noise sensitivity, well these are a few of my personal triggers that I try to avoid at all costs. For example grocery shopping is my own personal hell, even on a good day. Crowds of people, bright lights above, and noises personally can flash me back to the abuse I suffered as a child. The worst, the absolute worse is at the grocery store for me! That “noises” get me, so you’re asking what could be so bad that you completely leave a full cart, all to run for the nearest exit. The noise goes like this “SMACK” followed by a crying child who is no doubt in trouble. That’s it for me! I see it, I hear it, and I fear it. I’ve left full carts of groceries right where I stood, which always makes my child irritated. Here she thinks that she’s about to get her Oreos, and mom is running for the nearest exit!

            What in the world you’re asking yourself? She’s insane…no it’s all part of my PTSD diagnosis, and that noise brings can bring on flashbacks. Flashbacks can be extremely real. I sweat, I cry, I shake, and I feel like I’m being abused again. The feelings all come back, as I revert back to a child who was physically abused, all those decades ago. I feel stupid, my self-talk takes over, and here I sit thinking the belt is coming once more time, when in all reality, there is no belt, not anymore.

            So, she doesn’t shop, no groceries in her house? No, I’ve tried all kinds of things in order to avoid stirring up this thing called PTSD. I’ve shopped at midnight, I’ve tried 5AM, but one “smack” and all that shopping has gone to waste. Not to mention the attitude I get from other shoppers, and the cashier, when I walk up to the only open register in the store with a grocery cart full to the brim. So that worked for a while, years I’d put my headphones in and rush down every isle hastily grabbing what “makes sense”. Often coming up short, hot dogs, no buns. Whatever it takes to just get OUT of there. "Sorry no ice cream, too many people, couldn’t get down the aisle" Id explain to my daughter.

So what do you do, groceries have to be purchased, my child needs to eat! I tried talk therapy, sending people to shop for me, that gets expensive, meditating first, ear phones, deep breathing I believe I’ve tried all the tools that I know of. Nothing keeps the flashbacks away, and I feel completely crippled. Until I got my “power back”, online grocery shopping has my cabinets full, and my anxiety at bay. I’m now able to choose what I want and need, I have my power back! Look for your “out”, find a way to adapt, don’t be crippled be proactive!

I know, I know sounds easy! Believe me I know it’s not easy, otherwise I would have figured out how to beat it years ago. PTSD is sneaky like that, hard to control and can pop up on you with no warning!  Look for your “power”, avoid your triggers as much as you can! It’s been a lifetime ago since I endured the violence that was in my life, I’ve been living with PTSD as far back as my mind will let me wonder. Still I hear “that noise” and I crumble…. Don’t crumble, avoid triggers, and handle your anxiety the best you can! ~Mental Mari

Hello World... I'm Mental Mari

One Pot Down…

As I take the first drink, of my full pot of coffee. I am brilliant I tell myself, all while my house looks like ciaos, my brain feels like scrambled eggs, I’m falling behind on my weekly assignments at school. I’ve said it so many times to so many people, can’t tell me anything different…I am brilliant and I am here to change the world! I know, what planet am I from? I’d like to call this my ultra-manic light bulb stage. You know the one that acts like a lunatic focusing on projects, and new business ventures. All to come crashing down. I’m determined for this blog to not go down in flames!

            I rarely hit the highest of heights of mania anymore. I don’t miss the voices, the paranoia, the panic, I really don’t miss any of that! Slightly manic today, but I’m good. (Maybe if Id chill on the coffee!) With medication management I stay pretty leveled off, but please don’t think I have all the answers, or even think for a moment I go through spells of ciaos in my brain…because I do. They are just normally not as extreme, lasts about a week, and I’ve managed to turn it into productive weeks. Well I say “productive” which basically means I walk from room to room not remembering why I got up in the first place. Like a puppy chasing its tail, I jump from topic to topic, project to project, room to room. All the while showing my “brilliant” side!

            So I look normal enough, but my manic side can flip me so far out that my “normal” personality will disappear. I’m actually a very “chill” person. I have a lot of friends, many of which I lend an ear to at any point and time. I’m a good person who generally goes out of her way to help others. OKOK so ENOUGH of that lets look at the bullshit side when I become manic! I am so rude…I say whatever I think, and I have no control over what comes out of my mouth. I really curve my rude ass attitude when I’m in my “normal self”. Mania doesn’t care about other people’s feelings. I get loud, I speak over people, and cut them off midsentence. I HAVE NO FILTER! Whatever I’m thinking will roll out of my mouth, in the rudest way possible. I don’t mean to,  (you may have this problem as well) however I’ve been told many, many times in my life I am rude, loud, and obsessed with talking about myself. Oooooopps my manic side is showing!

            So what do I look for, well to be honest my first indicator is usually being broke, and someone spotting my “abnormal behavior.” So of course I have my triggers, one person I will try not to slander, can set me off like a ticking time bomb! I avoid that person at all costs, knowing what the end result, as my “crazy” comes out. Loud and crowded places aren’t for me. I realized years ago that the grocery store was going to be enemy #1! Loud parents, harshly disciplining their children set me off into a panic attack, better for me to disappear! Yeah we all have them, some more than others. One thing I can assure you is that if you can identify these triggers half the battle is won!

            So those are a couple of my personal identifiers that I’m cycling into mania. I often have to wait until I’m aware “I’m on my way up”…literally. My level of mania that I cycle into depends on what the stressors/triggers are that send me flying into a manic state. Stress we all have, I understand that. Sometimes if we are not taking care of ourselves, mentally and physically but triggers can usually be kept at a minimum, as long as you know what they are! Is there someone, or something that really makes you fly off your handle, and lose your shit….Well that’s your trigger!? I’ve seen, heard and read about many types of triggers, being late, spouses, or ex-spouses, family members, even traffic, certain noises all can trigger you. All I can say is I completely get it! I have tigers’ for both my PTSD, and Bipolar side. I do my best to completely avoid them at all costs. If I feel irritated, and feel like I’m being triggered, I’m simply going to have to do whatever modifications you need to do, to avoid, or stop triggers. Avoid triggers, reduce stressors, and take your medications that’s what I can say.

Thanks for stopping by, I’m going to do my best to see you all everyday…promise!  

                                                                                                                            ~Mental Mari